Tristan Cole [elocnat]

Preamble: I've written a couple posts and meant to post them but haven't for various reasons. One or two are WIPs that I will publish and update as I go, more logs than single posts, but otherwise I just don't feel like what I write is worth posting. That said, I did say in my last unposted post that I would put up a picture of the ribs I was cooking when I wrote it (first time smoking on new WSM), so here:

Lately I've been trying to re-open myself up to the world a bit. Since a bit before covid I had started to cut myself off from a lot of the previous things or people in my life. Not necessarily on purpose, it just kind of happened. Then covid hit and it gave me an excuse to further isolate myself from the IRL world. I left my house I think a single time in the first year of the pandemic to vote (timeline is fuzzy); I didn't do anything except sit inside and consume media + (kinda) work on my games/projects. I was actually worried about catching covid, but used that as an excuse to just slide deeper into the comfort of staying at home alone; I didn't even see family during that time, and they're the people I actually like being with!

Just to be clear that wasn't on some depression type shit, although looking back I probably was a bit depressed for a while. Before I really cut myself off I had quit my job because of burnout and losing out on a piece of land/home building deal I was going to do for reasons out of my control (fuck covenants + HOA of any kind, will still never buy property with them) which just killed my momentum for 'changing' my lifestyle I realized myself sliding into. I just _really_ like being alone. It's addicting, and I've learned instead of being addicted to specific things I have an addictive personality and overdo pretty much everything I enjoy. Remembering back, I've been like that since I was young; always wanted to go up into my room and play video games or something instead of hanging with family on holidays or going outside once I reached a certain age.

I recognize that I need some form of human contact like most people, but it's just so much easier to sit inside and do what I want with my own thoughts and talk to people online for a bit if I wanted to. The biggest regrets I have during those years are quitting drag racing (was partly due to saving money though) and of course not spending time with my family (I missed a Christmas and that was kind of fucked). Even after I got a new job and started hanging with family/friends again some, I still just kept up the cycle of wake up, work, then work on my game or play them/watch tv when I'm not. Say what you want, but it's pretty cool to be able to do that and not have to worry about shit. Most of all it's _easy_, and that's why I just kept the cycle going. Change is hard and I've always hated it, whether it's something dumb like breaking a small tradition in the family or a big life change like a new job. I've changed a lot mentally over these years, mostly for the better I think, which is kinda wild to think about considering how you hear about all these radicalized terminally online dipshits from every angle - guess that's part of the whole I do my own thing and fuck everybody else routine.

So where am I going with this? I forget. But basically this year I finally said fuck it and decided to try and get back to some semblance of my past life. The first thing I did this year was contact my agent and start seriously looking for another piece of land to basically start moving my life forward and restart the path I tried to go on earlier. (Side note: I found & purchased a great piece of property! That whole process & future stuff will be documented in one of those log posts I mentioned. Shout-out to Dan & Tom for making it possible, I cannot thank them enough.) And guess what? It's been a pretty fuckin' good year so far all things considered. I've seen and started communicating much more with my family, my new neighbors are awesome and have been super helpful already with things, I'm still making progress on TCPD and I'm even slowly learning to disconnect & give less of a fuck about work so I don't burn myself out again.

It's not perfect, and I'm still in the baby stages of trying to get back to being a normal human being. I still have friends I need to reach out to and rekindle relationships with, I still want to get back into racing eventually (read: get some different hobbies that don't involve sitting in my chair), I'm having some focus/motivational trouble because of certain lifestyle changes I'm trying out, and I still struggle with contacting/talking to people for anything and asking for help. But I'm trying again, and I can feel myself growing because of it. I'll never be comfortable with certain things and the temptation will forever remain to just stay inside, order everything online, and just shut out the world because it's SO MUCH EASIER than dealing with things.

Writing this feels weird because it's sort of like therapy I guess. I don't like telling people my business, I don't talk to anybody about how I'm feeling and really don't think I _need_ to. I know how that sounds but it's true for me personally: I can figure out shit on my own, I'm great at conversations with myself and self analyzing, it just means sometimes I have to take time for myself which in turn can cause/amplify other issues I have. I kind of feel like not posting this, and maybe I won't, because 1. who the fuck cares and 2. feels like rambling externally shows how crazy I am and am not sure what people will think about it. What if my employer sees me complaining about work stuff (to be fair I do that all day at work anyways) or I let something slip about personal habits or I talk about trying out AI for a game and internet shitheads get riled up which makes my game flop harder than it already is going to?

I realize I overthink shit and most of these are concerns that either don't matter or aren't realistic. Yeah sure it's possible something bad happens because of what I say I guess, but is holding back and just faking nice something that I want to do? In person I may not offer much in a conversation besides being a good listener, but if you ask me I'm pretty open about everything. Even on my own Twitter account (partly because I just don't give a shit about letting people know my every thought) I generally hold back from posting anything other than just pure progress or little things because I don't want to deal with dumbass bullshit. And you know the other thing? People are way better IRL than they are online. That's something I forgot for a long time and am just now realizing again. As somebody who grew up online in the pre-social media age, being online was a whole lot more genuine and I loved talking to people and arguing and all that. But now? Online discourse fucking sucks, you can't have an opinion that's slightly different than what the mob on the platform wants. And when you do, then the other side you don't want anything to do with may come to defend you and you're stuck. That's a whole 'nother post & topic for another day.

I don't even know what I just wrote there, this is part of my problem. I get very ranty about things, and while I'm generally not off base about how I really feel and reality of things, does it all need to be said? Am I better off for keeping this shit to myself? Is somebody going to read this and be like 'who the fuck does this guy think he is, what an asshole'? See there I go just trying to convince myself again that I shouldn't even bother. And honestly really I shouldn't. I haven't said anything for a handful of paragraphs now. But it's my website, my thoughts, and my time, so...

Alright let's wrap this up. I'll probably give a final pass for spelling but I'm going to try to stay true to my word and not edit/actually post this (Author's Note: he did this, mostly). It's just stream of consciousness bullshit that's been on my mind, I've not even really edited as I go besides moving a sentence or two around. And that's where I want to get with my art/writing/whateverthefuck I decide to release to the public. I want to just do it unapologetically and move on. It's not that I'd do it any other way, it's just that I'd keep it to myself rather than showing it off.

I can honestly say I've never given a shit what people think of me, but I do care how what I do is perceived (there's a difference, I promise) because I do or say things with a certain intent in mind and it bothers me if it's not taken that way (I want to figure out why). That said, as I get older, I think those lines are starting to blur a bit more and I cannot wait for the day where I truly don't give a fuck about anything. None of my anxieties are unique and neither are my thoughts, which is both comforting and annoying. So to wrap up...whateva, whateva, I do what I want. Hopefully nobody reads this though.

Later.